I was upset at work again today.

I was upset at work again today. Not because of work—I love my job—but because the reason isn't important to this post anyway.

I mentioned it because when I walked by a friend’s desk, we talked about how I was feeling, and in the course of the conversation, I had mentioned that I am deeply concerned with what other people think of me. I care ~a lot ~ about people's opinions of my clothes or how I come across in social interactions. To which he responded with how surprised he was to hear that. In his view of me, he wouldn't have ever guessed that I gave any weight to those things. This blew me away, and now I can't stop thinking about it.

It's conversations like those that I care so deeply about, they give me full-on identity complexes, like this one did.

It got me thinking: if he doesn't perceive me as an insecure person, what perception does he have of me? And would other people concur?

I have always seen myself as an obviously insecure girly and everything about how I act would have told me so. But if others don't see it, do I even see it or is that just the talk that's going on in my head? Which leads me to where I'm at now - sitting on the floor, looking out at the rain, hoping for clarity. 

I think what I'm realizing as I get older is that I don't know if I really know myself as well as I thought I did. This conundrum is a great example of this.

I'm a true Mirrorball girly, through and through. I will change everything about myself to fit in. I was told by a personality test back in college that my best trait was my ability to "win others over," and I've been told at numerous jobs that I'm the personality hire. But now, as I sit here, I'm wondering if I've spent so long putting on a show for other people that I don't even know what's behind the curtain anymore.

I bet by now you're thinking - lord help me, another millennial having a crisis of self, but here we are.

I'm 31 now. Old enough that I should be deeply in tune with my true personality. My needs, wants, desires, preferences, hobbies, and the like, but I don't think I am. 

As with everyone else on this planet, everything I've been through has either chipped away at who I truly am, or built it back up piece by piece. But maybe whoever was doing the sculpting didn't have a clear vision in mind.

When I drop the veil and be "real" with people, the things that come out of my mouth still feel rehearsed to me - still feel like an act. Like I'm trying to perform the most likable version of whatever way I'm feeling at the moment.

I'm just rambling now. I don't know; maybe I need some therapy. Or, as Kesha would say, "maybe I just need some sleep". 

I was upset at work again today. Not because of work, but because I can’t tell if I’m unraveling or if this was always who I’ve been underneath it all.

xoxox

Jami